Gay Football Fantasy

Super Bowl Sunday swooped in overnight with its usual recipe of subplots, masculinity, and patriotism. Today is as close as it gets to an unofficial national holiday: the day that millions of people gather to stuff their round faces full of junk food and cheap American brew, while chiseled young men risk traumatic back and brain injuries for gladiator glory.

The military machine, a loom, will see its propaganda-weave payoff with strategically placed generals flipping coins, sportscaster-enhanced intel about how Joe Football did a tour in Iraq, and campaigns of pre and post commercial-break inserts that show off our digitally-camouflaged troops (unarmed with their weapons of mass destruction and terror) in some far away desert wasteland cheering on the Saints or Colts like good ole boys. Since they scream like maniacs for football, just like you and me, then it's okay to occupy foreign nation with people just like you and me.

Peppered within the troops and amongst the players on the sidelines will be the periodic Roman collar or gold cross bearing chaplain which easily goes unnoticed under the bellowing of "God Bless America" by a Queen and all the religiously-correct signs of the cross after touchdowns or the non-Catholic finger-points to the heavens.

The biggest question leading into the game is which scripture passage will St. Timmy Tebow be wearing in his Focus on the Family sponsored abortion protest commercial, cowritten by CBS, which has changed its name from Columbia Broadcasting System to the Christian Bull Shit network. And more than likely, the "My mommy didn't abort me, so shame on you sinners who did have or support something that is legal in this country" ad will no doubt be followed by silicon enhanced breasts, small panties, horny young men, and alcohol, encouraging young children to be American and fuck for god and country. And if the sex-sells commercials don't follow St. Timmy's message, then surely an extreme closeup and slow fade from the heavily painted and scantily clad sideline cheerleaders' silicon-enhanced mammary ducts will do.

And this, my fellow Americans, is Super Bull Sunday.

Now, I love football. I'm not saying we should end football. All I'm saying is that the way the Super Bowl has been being packaged, and even more so this year by CBS, is making the Super Bowl a mere vessel for the hetero, military, and Christian right wing complex of our nation. Don' believe me? Then ask yourself these questions, honestly.

What would happen if Queen Latifah decided to hold the hand of her lesbian partner while singing "God Bless America," or if she turned and kissed her on the lips immediately following the last note? Would that be viewed as American, as okay? What would happen if a player scored a touchdown and immediately prostrated himself on the field facing Mecca? Or if he shouted "Allah akbar!" as he pointed into the cameras? Would he get a taunting penalty? A stint at Gitmo? What would happen if within the barrage of commercials inundated with heterosexual sexual images, a commercial with a product for homosexual patrons played? What if in the midst of the "God bless our troops" and "Support our troops" comments and ads, a commercial protesting the wars and promoting military withdrawal and pacifism were played? What if commercials from the Freedom from Religion Foundation supporting the separation of church and state aired? What if a star football player was in a commercial and talked about how he's only alive because years ago his mom's life-ending pregnancy tragically ended with a life-saving abortion and paved the way for her to give birth to three more children including her gay, ex-Catholic, atheist football-star son? What if...?

In all the news reports and blogging about St. Timmy Tebone and Focus on the Straight Family's anti-abortion commercial that will air during the Superbowl and four times during the pre-show today one thing is crystal clear: CBS is playing the hypocrite. There's no doubt in that matter, especially after CBS refused to air MoveOn.org's commercial protesting the Iraq war half a decade ago because of it's political content, not to mention PETA or the gay friendly United Church of Christ's past denied Super Bowl commercial submissions.

Focus on the Family is one of the leading benefactors and propaganda machines attacking equal civil rights for LGBT persons, and Family's spot gets the nod, while gay dating website ManCrunch.com's spot got cut for its inappropriate gay material. But just a few years ago, CBS aired a Snickers commercial with gay sexual behavior in it, not to mention the number of man-on-man hugs and butt slaps that will be aired during the game today. (One of the original Snickers Super Bowl commercials was cut only after LGBT rights groups protested the commercials encouragement of violence against gays.) So, CBS has shown where they stand: to the right and in favor of freedom of speech for the Christian Right, not all of America.

So, what are those football fans who protest the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, support a woman's reproductive choice, believe that LGBT persons deserve full and equal civil rights including marriage and ad time, and are not charismatic Christians to do? Are we to exclude ourselves from the cultural holiday of Super Bowl Sunday? Are we to protest and not watch the game of the year? Will it even make a difference if one, two, or even twenty-five million people protest by not watching the game?

     I doubt it. Because, we don't have the money. We don't watch, and CBS won't care. They already have the money in the bank that Focus on the Family paid them for St. Timmy's testimony. CBS knows exactly what they're doing.

     Does this mean that political advocacy groups are now going to have to raise millions of not-for-profit dollars a year to get Super Bowl air time? Why not? We already have to spend millions of dollars paying for ad time to try to retain our equal civil rights from attacks by Focus on the Family and their Mormon and Catholic friends.

     CBS has made this an entirely new bowl game.

Postscript: If you TiVo (no, not Tebow) the game and start it an hour late, you can fast forward through all the propaganda and just enjoy the game itself. Also, you can pause it when the men in tight pants show off their packages or pat each others' pretty butts. Click here to watch the other gay-themed add that CBS rejected.